twilight (the book), as reviewed by my 11 year old daughter

Rotten apple from the tree in our backyard
August 2013
Photo credit: Melissa Firman

I’m pleased to introduce you to someone who you already know pretty well … my 11 year old daughter Betty. Over the summer, she asked to read the Twilight books by Stephanie Meyer and I agreed. We have a “no censorship” book policy in this house; I don’t restrict books based on age or content. And those that do fall into that realm, we discuss.

She also has a blog (mainly dedicated to all things One Direction and the goings-on in her life) and, as an avid reader, she just started including her own book reviews on her site. (Betty’s somewhat of a mini-me.) She allowed me to share her hilarious review of Twilight with you. Enjoy. (Oh, and she’d probably love a comment or two, if you’re so inclined.) 

A review of Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

If you do not like reading reviews where people rant about how awful a book is, then you should stop reading this post. I read a little bit of the first Twilight book and thought it was too confusing. Then I saw it at the library and checked it out because I thought it would be a good choice for summer reading.

BIGGEST.MISTAKE.OF MY. LIFE.

Lots of people were hating on the series, and I decided to read it to see if it was really that bad. It was. And I am about to tell you all about it. So sit back and get comfy cuz it’s a doozy!

Girls LOVE the Twilight series. But just because there is a hot vampire in the movie and a werewolf who takes his shirt off every five seconds.(thank GOD the movies are over) I mean HELLO?!?!?!?!?!? It doesn’t matter what a character looks like, it’s how it ACTS!! There is this whole Team Edward and Team Jacob crap going around,( I will tell you more about Jacob in my next review of the second book) and if you ask me, I am Team Guy That Almost Killed Bella With A Car. He was probably my favorite character. Would have liked him better if he actually killed her.

Let me start of with telling you about the plot and the main characters. The book is about a girl named Bella Swan who moves from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, I-don’t remember-the-state-that-comes-after. She falls in love with a really pale guy named Edward Cullen. Spoiler alert, he’s a vampire!

What can I say about Bella…oh yeah! BRATTIEST.CHARACTER.EVER. Edward kept telling her *mocks Edwards supposedly deep voice* “You can’t love me, I’m dangerous” But does she listen? NOOOOOO!! Instead she continues to love the guy even MORE. I mean, seriously!!

So the rest of the snoozefest goes on about how Bella is a threat to Edward’s kind and that she needs to be destroyed or whatever.

Here is the part where I explain, or rant, about how much I hated this book series.

I HATED this book. Always will. First, let’s start with the characters. Bella is a huge brat who clings to Edward wayyy too much. She loves the guy even though he tells her not to. Then there is Edward himself, the idiot who really needs a tan. I hated this guy. Possibly even more than I hated Bella. He breaks into her room each night and watches her SLEEP! Stalker much?! He should have just written I AM A VAMPIRE on his forehead. That probably would have been less obvious. And with Bella, she should have written I LOVE YOU on HER forehead with a black Sharpie. THAT would have been LESS obvious, too.

Although I hated this book more than anyone, it WAS kinda suspenseful. There were some parts of the book where I just couldn’t put it down. Hey, if you read it and loved it, fine. Don’t kill me for hating on it. Just giving my opinion. The plot was SO confusing, that is part of the reason why I hated this book. All the events were jumbled up into the wrong places. It’s probably because sometimes I zone out when I read.

And the characters? Even worse.

No offense Stephanie Meyer, but I think this was the WORST BOOK EVER. Three words: CHECK.YOUR.WORK!!!!!

One out of five stars

6 thoughts on “twilight (the book), as reviewed by my 11 year old daughter

  1. Pingback: When You Reach the End of the Internet, Keep Calm and Go Fishing. (And Call Prince Charming.) | melissa firman

  2. Holly (2 Kids and Tired)

    Best. Review. Ever.

    I love a girl who has her own mind and opinions and doesn’t run with the crowd. I read the Twilight books just to see what the fuss was about and while I did like the second part of Breaking Dawn the best (vampire Bella is so much better than human Bella), I still can’t understand the obsession and appeal that these books have. They’re not well written at all, although the writing does get better as they go along. Bella was self-absorbed, stupid, single-minded and always needed to be protected. She couldn’t make her own decisions and let herself be controlled by Edward and his family. Not a heroine by any means.

    Brilliant review. Love it!
    2 Kids and Tired Books

  3. Akirah

    Haven’t read it. Never will. But I love reading things that confirm my feelings.

    Also, I’m glad you described Bella’s attachment to Edward as clingy. Clingy is not good and sounds like a horrible plot line for a book.

  4. Gina, book dragon

    Girl after my own heart! It took me a week to read this on vacation and I had to force myself to finish. When book one ended with the “bad” vampires chasing Bella I was rooting for them!

    Love your review.

    I think the worst thing is when another book has “if you enjoyed Twilight” on it. I see that and put it back.

    Oh, that vacation week? I finished three other books while reading this one.

  5. Bryan G.

    Wow! That was amazingly awesome, Betty. I didn’t think I’d read this series, but now I know I won’t. Thanks for confirming my doubts. 🙂

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